stop, read, feel, open up, be inspired . . .

i wish we had more time to do everything.  maybe that lingering list of to-do’s yet to complete.  maybe there is a song that needs a hook line, sewing that needs mending, old useless things that needs throwing away, perhaps that exercise your body craves, maybe the trip of a lifetime you’ve always wanted and planned to take someday, or the dreams you have come forth into action and then perhaps the peace of mind you had when less responsibility was your strong suit.  whatever the task, time just seems to slip from our grasp and what we wanted as accomplishment, has been reserved for the back table probably for the rest of our lives.

feel free to comment and let me know your thoughts and perhaps advice to such a nagging dilemma.

Hello, I haven’t been here in a while.  In trying to define something to write that is worth reading its a little more difficult than you’d think.  I know that these past months have been challenging and somewhat of a blur.  As new changes happen, I’m afraid I do not like change as much as I thought.  Perhaps the change I do not mind is the kind that I have control over.  The kind that I make in order to make me feel better.  But other changes that happen and you have no idea what the outcome is, is not very exciting.

As this year comes to a close, I find myself reminiscing on everything that has gone on.  Let me break it down:  1. started an internship  2. did some recording  3. started school for the first time in 10 years  4.  failed in certain areas  5.  made decisions.  6. succeeded in areas.  In all this, still had a full time job and somewhat of a life…

Ever really thought that what you thought is not what you really desired?  Music has always been my heart.  Music just does something to me, whether I play it or listen to it, it brings me alive.  In the past 4 months I have not really been playing much of my music (includes writing and just playing guitar).  Well this makes my heart break.  I have always used music and writing as my out, my way of expression, my go to for release.  Cause sometimes I have a hard time saying what I really wanna say.  I heard a musician being interviewed and they said the best advice they ever got was, ‘What you’re good at, do that, this is what you’re good at’ (pertaining to their musical skill)  Well this got me thinking (which is always good).  I really enjoy music, I am really good at music, why aren’t I doing more of it?

So in praying and asking the Lord for His will and what the heck He wants me to do….there might be some changes on the horizon and different directions may be made!  I don’t think I have this talent to waste it!!!

I’M EXCITED!!!!!!!!

I feel bound to write everything and anything I do or feel.  What if I don’t express what is going on inside my head?  Or even what is being expressed in my heart?  Will I explode?

Right now I am listening to a song called:  I Still Want You – Jacob Hanly. He was inspired by the life of the Apostle Peter and wrote it at a really hard time, when like Peter, he felt disqualified, confessing to the Lord that he still loves Him even when he felt like he blew it.

I like the honesty of the words.  Sometimes reading the bible and reading about the disciples and people in the Old Testament, I feel that they have it all together, or at least more than I do.  I know that David was an adulterer and murderer . . . and I guess reading his psalms, you can see that is where he confessed and redeemed his life back to the Lord.  But even so, we can get so bogged with what we are not capable of doing or all the wrong we have done that the thought of getting called by the Lord, we respond this way;  “Why Lord?  Why would want something torn and dirty and so unqualified? Why am i so enticing to you?”   Amidst of feeling this way, like the words in Jacobs song . . . Lord, I still want you, I still love you!

Even though I fail and fall, I never wanna stray too far from home!

I’m running to your heart with a starving thirsty soul, to be near and never let you go.  I long for more, something satisfying, anything forever to fill this void inside.  Keep me running home, keep me running home.  I feel I’m on a journey to find my destination.  Excitement slowly rises, I’m dying to go on.  I’m running home, I’m running home.

how to deal.  how to balance.  how to make things even.  i think im done.  everything is a chore.  i can’t fully express the things i need to express.  my heart is somewhere laying still, like a lifeless robot, only moving through motions.  i’ve miss placed the only thing that really matters to me.  time seems to be just another thing that fades away like the dawn.  this is not life.  this is not how it should be.  run down til you need to escape to find some sanity.  i disagree, but don’t know what it means to not be running, as a chicken would with no head.  i need a clear head, if these clouds ever blow away.  i need to find my way again.  somehow im stuck in a room with no walls but can’t seem to find the door.

So this weekend was a long weekend filled with nothing.  I did a few things, but came to find that I don’t do nothing very well.  I can’t sit somewhere and do nothing, relax, chill, be restful.  Recently I have been trying to just take it easy, not be doing something all the time and always on the go.  I don’t like it.  I don’t like not having something to keep me occupied.  I feel useless, unproductive… When its quiet . . . my mind runs and I can’t stop it.  Yesterday was fun, just jammin on guitar, chilling at home, watchin some TV, but I didn’t like it for long.  I wanted to go do something, be somewhere, or just sleep.  I got bored real easy.  Maybe I need to discover a long project to do or take up some other kind of activity…I don’t know.

I started house sitting weekend . . . I was excited to get some good quiet alone time with the Lord, but being by myself last night didn’t feel so fun, the house made noises, the bird moved and cooed in it’s cage and I suddenly felt alone.  I like being alone, but for some reason, last night it hit me and perhaps the new environment I was staying at didn’t help.  The house was hot, the couch was not comfortable, the tv was confusing and I ate too much.

Maybe I am on another journey to learn how to deal with being alone and quiet.  It is funny how the devil can come right in there with thoughts to try and confuse you.  Either way I am going to try and embrace this time, learn and come out differently.  Maybe I am rambling and you may think that I am just ridiculous, but I needed to get this out.

The end.