Me.

growing up in a house where i didn’t think to have an opinion, i didn’t even know i could think, have a view, a sentiment toward anything in life.  always saying what the adults said in my life and thinking that it was some sort of law to live by.  is it too late to think for myself , to be able to come out of my shell and really have my own mind and my own thoughts, even my own desires and not just the thoughts and desires of ones that took up residence before me, to find my own love for the ‘Big Guy’, to find my own expression, to find my own talents and pursue them, to go where i think to go, to make mistakes that at the time i thought were right, to turn around and re-think the idea of living in a small hut somewhere wearing a wrap and Tom’s Shoes, then to turning around thinking about it again, to write what i feel and feel what i write, to listen to music that takes me to a place no one can be, to find out what right and wrong are, to learn that what i thought was right, was wrong and what was wrong, has turned to right?

why did their thoughts form comments that fell out of my mouth?  their statements attached themselves to my way of thinking.  i will tell you, that i will open my eyes, get up, get out, and get away from these liars, cause they don’t get my soul or my fire.  there is only one being that i will look into the eyes of and listen to the melodies of their heart…skipping to every rhythm that pours from Him.  He’s been the only thing that is right in all i’ve done.

i feel i have a voice, i have an opinion that is worth telling and i have the rest of my life to decide my own decisions, travel the way i feel i should.

The things we do.

Hello?  I have a question.  Why is it that when in one moment you do something or say something and it totally feels right and you have no convictions, then after, remorse inevitably follows?  In an instant you feel retarded, for lack of a better word.  Why do the voices win sometimes.  They speak so gently before hand then slap you like a dumb dog that just chewed up the furniture.  Can you ever be strong enough to keep the words in your mouth and not voice them to crush the mortal being standing next to you?  Can you ever be strong enough to not to beat them down with your fist?  My soul desires to be kind and righteous, but my heart sneaks around in filthiness.

God, come close. Come quickly! Open your ears, it’s my voice you’re hearing!  Treat my prayer as sweet incense rising; my raised hands are my evening prayers.  Post a guard at my mouth, God, set a watch at the door of my lips.  Don’t let me so much as dream of evil or thoughtlessly fall into bad company.  And these people who only do wrong don’t let them lure me with their sweet talk!  May the Just One set me straight, may the Kind One correct me.  Don’t let sin anoint my head.  I’m praying hard against their evil ways!

Dark…you’ve been warned.

I just wanna be entirely mean.  I find myself slowly spinning downward into madness.  Where meanness lives in a place of quiet destruction.  I like to stay secret, yet out in the open all at the same time.  I wanna be intentional, but seem like I’m completely blind to my actions.  The urge to make you upset, upset enough to cry, keeps whispering into my ear, telling me this is okay.  With no concern for your emotions, I take action.  What do I care, I don’t, so get over it.  I don’t have regret, nor do I mind what will come in the future.  My sensitivity may not be present.  Maybe I will get over it, maybe I won’t.

I know what I am suppose to do and I don’t do it.  I know what I shouldn’t do, but find myself checking off the list of items as they are completed.  Where’s the compassion, the strive to be kindhearted?  Instead nastiness takes over!  The sneakiness of this feeling is very good at it’s purpose and I seemed to have run off and eloped with it.

Maybe it’s my fault, maybe it’s yours, but I don’t care so dry your tears and go away, I don’t wanna hear it.

Please no questions, do with this as you please.  This is just meant for expressions.

Ponderings…

i think sometimes i get stuck wishing i was living somewhat differently.  explanation:  when i watch a movie, sometimes i feel so connected to the characters, the places in the movie,  that i desire to go there and experience life like the people  in the film.  i could get so caught up and swept away by the beauty of the film.  perhaps there was a melody that took my breath away and the moment just got better.  maybe there was a cute face that made me blush.  whatever the feeling, i wonder why we do that.  cause if you think about the movie…someone wrote it, the actors are playing roles in the movie that are not real.  the emotion you feel and the excited desire to travel as they did is not going to happen. why?   two reasons: 1.  you are not them.  2.  the moment was written out for them to act out.  it is not reality.  it is not real life.  now, could something similar happen in real life?  yes.  has this happened in real life?  probably.  movies are good and fun….i just wonder why we get tangled in them.

comments??